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It seems like the only way to be evocative in art anymore is to represent emotion through characters...like little fuzzy animals or a girl-child with huge tramatized eyes. It's all very alice in wonderland, got stuck in circus clown roadie rockabilly dreamworld. It's the new realism which is working in place of obvious representation...and this to me is refreshing and unnerving all at once. Artists are now working with pure emotional states as their subject matter.Some of the looks in the eyes of the strange creatures in the paintings make me want to cry...and yet...they also make me want to examine the communal emotional dis-ease behind them which compells us to portray pain in solely outsider terms...in terms of the mentally-handicapped...in terms of the alien...in terms of a mutilated tadpole...in terms of a sick subversiveness that lives beneath the most innocent of images.There is an inclination toward the extreme and there is something very important which is coming through this art. People are feeling an enormous disconnect in this space in time.And no matter how many people are feeling this...we still feel like outsiders.This should be called "Underdog Art".We feel like we ARE the cartoon characters of our childhood.This is the language we are most comfortable with because it is the raw material that makes up what humans dream about themselves(innocence,super-human strength,bambi vulnerability,absurd comedy)...yet we are so enraged at our real-life molestation that there exists no such thing as purely innocent depiction any longer. This seems to be the beginning of the shadow work for this age. It is still archetypal like it used to be...the devils..the angels...but now it is becoming a concentrate of dissolution.Now baby dolls heads are ripped in two...a child walks down a hallway followed by a trail of her own blood...our eyes and ears grow unproportioned, swollen with sensitivity, and are like exterior nerves and veins. An artist doesn't have to paint a heart or blood any longer to convey torment...but enlarged, distorted eyes, mouth, ears, discolored skin.We are turning ourselves inside out...showing it all on the exterior...as vulnerable an image as EVER shown.This is Munch's "The Scream",Kathe Kollwitz's "Death Seizing a Child" for us. But how does this expression grow itself up? Is there no pruning, bandage, first-aid that can be offered? Will we have to put a cast over the whole thing...because it is so fucking hard to look at. Are we so desensitized and numb that we must hold open our wound before our enemies...waiting for them to dip their finger in to taste? Maybe we are the bravest ever. And maybe most people just see weirdness in these images and not the deep pain that is being represented or at times the comical absurdity.But I hope from this that with our truth all layed out before us, staring at us with melted gaze, we can gaze back and accept...look into and heal...stop flinching and become our own mothers--and see ouselves as belonging.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, January 30th, 2005
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It seems that I go in cycles with this thing. It's been ages since my last post...no computer in the house. I never realized what a companion the computer is to me at times. It allows for silent time, yet a feeling of connectedness remains.I haven't really felt like writing for a while...and now that I am--don't really know what to say. Yoga has become very important to me as of late. I wish it wasn't such a trendy thing. I've been interested in it since around 97 and have taken classes on and off since. For those that actually take it seriously and with purpose, it can be extremely useful. Recently I started up a regular practice with a local class. It's really healing for me. I tend to live in my head so much of the time and it allows me to focus mentally on becoming a stronger person. Most people think that all yoga is is slow streching and breathing exercises--but it can be much more than just this. My class focuses on some relaxation techniques but also lots of strengthening poses...which are my favorite--just for the challenge of working through uncomfortable weakness in certain muscle groups and inthe mind--the parts of yourself that are lazy and want things to come easily. It does make you feel good if you can feel strong in a pose even when your legs are shaky and you just want to come out of it. It helps to ground my Gemini spirit. I always tend to want to try things briefly and then move on to the next. Groundedness is particularly good for me.
Hope you all are doing well.I'm going to try and start posting regularly so I look forward to catching up on your journals:)
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Okay...how could I ever have missed out on The Rentals.Going through my boyfriends cd's tonight for something to do pushups and situps to and I stuck this in.They are so fun and they make me feel like I'm back in high school riding to a show with my friends in the car.Good stuff, like Weezer.
Well....tonight I made it my mission to investigate what kinds of churches are available here in my podunk town.Mostly Catholic and Baptist of course....which I am so not ready for and probably never will be(although I am tolerant of their right to their beliefs).So I found a Unitarian Universalist church to try out.I researched this faith in one of my American Religions textbooks from college and it seemed to fit my criteria the best.I'm a little nervous because I get an itch for a good communal religious experience from time to time...and it seems like church of any kind usually dissapoints me or offends me more than anything else.I read interesting stuff about this church though:
1.more in coastal and urban areas than rural
2.most highly educated,on the average, of all American Churches
3.do not believe in the idea of original sin or inherent evil tendencies in humans but rather, a basic goodness
4.emphasizes equality of all religions and draw from all religious texts for reading at services including novels and poetry
5.encourage the use of reason as a way of determining religious truth
6.each person lives "by a thought-out covenant with himself and with life as a whole"
7."beliefs may change as insights deepen and experiences broaden"
Yah--I like these things.Hopefully it doesn't just look good on paper.I am also curious to know what others my age think of this set of beliefs???Anyone?I'm not here to argue...sincerely curious.Oh--and any suggestions of faiths that are like this one would be appreciated.
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It seems that so many people who are dear to me in my life have been negatively affected by substance abuse.If I go to dinner with my father after 7 pm I'm bound to hear the same story 8 times over.Tonight I tried hanging out with my sister--which is always a risky endeavor because we tend to hit heads most of the time...and of course--look what happens...too many beers leads to misunderstanding and unjustified stubbornness.
I feel so ineffective sometimes.It really just hits home to me right now because I realize that a year ago I was in a destructive routine much like this for a while...but it is so risky.It can ruin your life.You can become something you never ever intended to be.You become addicted to something outside of yourself...dependent on escape and alter-ego episodes.Nothing reality based...a bunch of crap flying out of your mouth before you have a second to think about it.My writing tonight is like this but at least it is just writing and not action that I might regret.This is anonymous and I need to get it out.This is the healthiest, most direct way I know how...even if I am hesitant to share personal details with people I haven't seen face to face.
I am so frustrated at this moment.My sister and I could have fought tonight--she wanted to hit me and I wanted to hit her...and all for what.That is my point....for nothing.I wish that people could just handle their emotions by actually dealing with them...by thinking about them and deciding what they need to do to take control of their own lives.It's hard...but the other alternatives just make everything more confusing and then you get caught up in a maze of illusion.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Imperfectly
i'm okay
if you get me at a good angle
and you're okay
in the right sort of light
and we don't look
like pages from a magazine
but that's all right
that's all right
i crashed your pickup truck
and then i had to drive it back home
i was crying
i was so scared
of what you would do
of what you would say
but you just started laughing
so i started laughing along
saying, it looks a little rough
but it runs okay
it looks a little rough
but it runs good anyway
we get a little further from perfection
each year on the road
i guess that's what they call character
i guess that's just the way it goes
better to be dusty than polished
like some store window mannequin
why don't you touch me where i'm rusty
let me stain your hands
when you're pretty as a picture
they pound down your door
but i've been offered love
in two dimensions before
and i know that it's not all
it's made out to be
let's show them how it's done
let's do it all imperfectly
ani difranco
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
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It's been a while. Having some time to myself tonight...which is surprisingly blissful.Been meeting lots of new folks lately thru this local Irish Pub.It's been good but challenging socially for me.I have difficulty meeting new people...it makes me anxious at times.Tonight I started back on Zoloft again...I took a year hiatus from it and still have samples left over.Lately my emotions have been so topsy turvy and I'm pretty sick of it.I am taking action, even if it means taking medication(which I hate to do).But I'm tired of being stubborn with this thing...it's not going to go away unless I actively engage it in this way...and also thru challenging myself personally and socially to just buck up.
Got the new John Mayer and Radiohead.Very nice.John is soothing as always and lyrically right on with me.Hail to the Thief is awefully melancholy(a little too much so for my state of mind right now)...but the music is just so gorgeous I can't help myself.And Thom Yorke's voice is just hypnotizing.He can sing me his dark lullabies all night long and I won't tire of it.
Can't wait for Halloween.My favorite holiday of the year it is.I think I'm gonna be Krishna this year and paint myself blue and be bejeweled and besaried and bedazzled.Definitely gonna take the digital camera out for the show...there will be lots of great costumes I'm sure...and gruesome faces accompanying them:)
Actually cleaned house tonight.My house had become like my mind right now....a cluttered mess--and that can only be indulged for so long.So out I went to Walgreens on a mission for Clorox and sponges and other miscellanous cleaning products.The theory is that maybe if I clean out my home, the mind will follow.
I could say that I am in a decent mood tonight.The new job is treating me well.I feel like a stranger in my own life in a way--actually developing a career of sorts.It's a bizarre thing to feel yourself moving into a "grownup" life when you still feel like you're fifteen.But the people I work with are really pretty playful most of the time...which is nice--they know when to be serious...and when to blow off some steam:)
The goal for now is to be a little easier and a little more patient with myself right now.Perhaps things will eventually fall into place if I just stop looking ahead of myself.
Been having a good run of difficulty in the relationship department lately.I really need to just ask for what I want and learn to let go and be myself.I need more time to myself and more groundedness.Working on it.
"When you're coasting along, and nobody's trying too hard...you can turn around and like where you are."-Sundays-
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, September 27th, 2003
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feels like i'm sinking
losing again
wanting too much
more than you can give
pushing you away
i want to cry all day
i want to mourn every love i've ever squashed
every one i've strangled, demanded, implored for
the air is pushed from my chest in another fucking emotional upheaval
and i want to just hit something
but i don't hit
i want to be safe from this
anything but numb is too damn much
why do i need this way
why can't i get enough
i need quiet now
music hurts too much
my eyes sting
and i feel like i've been slapped in the face and then put away in the corner to watch everyone else live their life
why can't i be on top
why must i always lose steam
these aren't really questions
can't propel myself
if only i could survive on the momentum of an initial gesture
if i could stop rehashing each moment
if i could stop protecting myself
and staying away
if i could stop trying to please
if i could just let my heart break knowing i'll be okay
if i could just say "fuck you and i want more"
if i could stop wanting more
once again i'm feeling the urge to separate myself
how can i be loved and feel so unloved
how can anyone win with me
i try so hard
too hard
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 4th, 2003
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I borrowed this one from Kookiefaerie:
(1) What is one ambition or dream you have that other people would consider strange?
one ambition that is a little odd would be my desire to shed some of my OCD inspired behavior.Not having to check the stove or my flat iron over and over again would be quite freeing.
(2) Do you have any physical scars, and what's the story behind them? (Bonus points for extremely embarrassing stories!)
I have a little slit of a scar on my cheek below my right eye from runniing into a branch when I was looking up at a boy I liked who was yelling to me from up in the trees in the woods.
(3) What is your definition of great art?
Art that is courageous and revolutionary and is held in higher esteem to the artist than his/her own life.
(5) The doctor breaks the news - you have 30 days left to live. What would you do?
Hang out with family and friends as much as possible--resolve any issues I might have with any of them.Give as much time as I can to help others.Talk to God A LOT.Go to India and chant and dance about.Sing in a band.Have lots of dirty sex.Eat only Thai food.And swim in the ocean every day up until the last day.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
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TORI concert is tonight and I'm stoked as hell.This will be my third time seeing her but my friend's first.I told her to be prepared for an emotional situation...cause Tori can pull it out of even the most stubborn.Ben Folds Five are opening up and I'm equally excited for this--I have never seen them perform but I like their sound.Anything with a creative piano involved can usually"strike a chord" within me.
I have one day left at my current job and then I'm off to Appraisal school.It's exciting and scary all at once cause I fear that once I get into this field...it may be hard to get out of....since pay around here is so scarce and there is very little to do creatively with work.
The boy is lovely.It is all happening just right....slowly and steadily.Who is in a rush??? I can afford to rush with the anonymous stranger but not with someone that I may actually want to invest spirit in:)
Writing has been a bit of a chore lately...I think because things are busier than usual and up in the air...but the inclination to write music is very strong and I haven't been able to pause long enough to indulge it.This will happen soon--I don't want to miss out on all that could be...or the quiet space that it provides me to reflect.
I would label this a very action/change oriented slice of time in life.YAAAAHHH!!!!for that cause I've been hibernating for quite some time and now I must make some moves.Taking chances taking chances....I suppose this keeps us alive...and it's nice when you can do it with some amount of confidence:)
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, September 1st, 2003
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1.To really look into someone's eyes is a scary thing.
2.The holidays depress many people when they don't have anything to do.
3.People are not what they appear to be--they are much much more.You have to be patient to see.
4.Karaoke can be blissful and terrible all at once:)
5.Beer tastes bad.Don't aquire a taste.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
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Mush mush mush mush mush and more mush .... on the brrrain.This is a disgusting state to be in.I am giddy with newness.He just told me that he feels goofy that he's not talking on the phone that much cause he's smiling too much:)So sweet.I hate myself for writing this right now.I am one of those people you want to strangle cause you had a bad day, your job sucks, you just got a divorce, you found out you have herpes.....but today I get to be the annoying one who is just going to enjoy the ride WITHOUT GUILT....and with appreciation that all things change.Enjoy it while it lasts kiddies....throw pessimism to the wind and take every little light-hearted bit you can get and savor it, cause tomorrow you might be pulling your hair out when you don't hear from him/her.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, August 24th, 2003
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I think I'm feeling something I haven't felt in a long while.I hung out with an old friend from back in my high school days tonight.This is a person that I always found very attractive but was always too shy to do anything about.He is back in town again and found my number in the phone book and called me.I was very surprised and very scared to meet with him since it's been such a long time since we've seen or talked to eachother.Well tonight was quite a surprise.It was terribly awkward at first...neither of us could barely look at eachother or spit out a sentence that wasn't jumbled.We were sitting across from eachother in the restaurant...head on--no escaping discomfort.But as the night progressed we were able to relax and have some very meaningful conversation.He told me that he was interested in me back then but he felt that I was too happy for him(he was depressed--the tortured artist syndrome).But that was the only thing and he is different now.I can't explain exactly how I feel.I wanted to kiss him.I couldn't help looking at his mouth..his lips and not imagine them on mine.I feel silly and incompetant and a little scared.I almost don't want to see him again for fear that things might progress.It's scary to feel something again.I think I've been numb for the past year and have been hiding from intimacy.I don't know what to do with myself.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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Lordy....I do believe I have a righteous hangover to balance out the crazy night I had last night.I think my last words were,"I'll have another Cabernet" and that was all she wrote folks.On the dancefloor off the dancefloor.It seems that I always have a much more extreme time when I'm drinking wine.That sounds like a Jimmy Buffet lyric or something....hehe.
Then I got home and just as I was falling asleep my cat decided to jump on my stomach all the way from up on a ledge close to the ceiling.I think he knocked the damn wind out of me....for all I know--he knocked me out...cause I don't remember anything more until I awoke with a headache that felt like a drill to my skull dipped in screeching chalkboard.Ohh--to be young and dumb...
Don't have the energy to write more now...I must go and play nurse to my afflictions for a while....hope some of you were tame last night:):)
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
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Got a little haircut today, ate some awesome curly que fries with vinegar on them, bought kitty litter and febreeze to cover up my kitty cats not so fresh moments, watching That 70's Show---the hits just keep coming.
Today my mommie turned 50.She's freaking out thinking she's getting old all of a sudden when she looks better than she looked 20 years ago!!!! My dad says that he never pays attention to age because he is doing more now than he was when he was a teenager.My theory is that we should ignore age and focus on living.Worrying about it is something that old people do:):)hehehe!!!
Man--I'm so sick of reality TV.Enough already--Americans are already too self-absorbed as it is.I can count about 5 or 6 shows that are on RIGHT NOW!!! Yikes....whatever happened to living life as if no one is watching.Living for yourself dagnabbit!!!
I suppose I have nothing to say--don't no why I'm posting....boredom reigns.Oh well--I'll tune back in when I have something of substance to say:)
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, August 17th, 2003
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Romance isn't dead afterall.I'm surprised to find that it is still in the backs of our minds and the bottom of our hearts.It's hidden somewhere between the lines--when we forget ourselves.Perhaps it keeps us alive and drives us though most of the time we don't realize it.
I just saw "Open Range" with Kevin Costner.I was reluctant to go see it cause looked like another cheesy Western style epic that men seem to be so fond of(my dad really wanted to see it).I must say though that I left the theater in an unexpected state.My dad and I both said to eachother"That was a really good movie"...and then silence as we walked to our cars.I couldn't keep it up--I started balling...and I looked at him and saw tears flowing from underneath his sunglasses.We were both struck by what the movie must have cued up inside of us.I think for me it started with the concept of loyalty.The whole movie is smothered in it.But in a way that's like good medicine for a girl starved for a sense of connection.There was an emotional point early on in the movie where I saw an old man a few seats down from me bend forward.He was trying to hide that he was crying and it really touched me.I found myself crying several times over things that seemed so simple--like a look that one character would give to another.I think it was the silent understanding between the characters that was so appealing.It's a knowingness that people don't take the time to cultivate nowadays.
It's hard to relate to the Dalai Lamas of the world.Most of the time it's such a stretch to have compassion that reaches out any further than my immediate family and friends.There is such a feeling of disconnection here in my world and seemingly in a lot of people in America.It's like we are looking for something we can't quite put our finger on.Our energy is easily depleted because we don't support eachother enough.We don't take the time to really listen to eachother and read the pauses.We think we have to spell everything out and we don't respect the mystery of life and being there for eachother.Financial independence is one thing...but where did we ever learn that we have to be emotionally independent--isn't this contrary to our very constitution???
I find that even the hardest shell is yearning to be cracked.Even the HARDEST one.Maybe especially that one.I met a wonderful girl this weekend.She was so immediately friendly and trusting with me.I'm so used to new people being stingy with their time and energy that I was a bit taken aback.But she was such a blessing.When I think of it...there are so many examples of the desire in people to be good to eachother and to believe in the best of things.
I have another friend who is the biggest romantic I have met in a while--and he is a MALE!!! I'm inspired by his vulnerablity and the fact that he isn't afraid to be his honest self...to admit that he loves a good movie about love and loyalty...he loves a novel about friendship and devotion.
You can't walk around afraid and unfeeling in this life.You have to open yourself to the full experience of EVERYthing...every person you meet.It's a hard core thing...but an intense life creates intense love and an abundance of energy I think.Anything less is a waste.
Sometimes when I sing a song I'm not feeling it....but I can always tell when I'm channeling real emotion...cause it rips me apart and builds me up new again.To sing a song from your gut is like plugging a light in and cahnging the way you view things.It takes courage to be involved...rather than just doing things for the sake of doing them...or for what others may think.
Maybe the feeling that always seems to be nostalgia that I feel isn't really that--maybe it is a knowingness inside that I deserve love in my life.I must remind myself to try and really SEE and HEAR people.To see and hear myself in them instead of setting them apart from me or judging them.
This line of thought makes me think of some lines from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet":
And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you with hold the "aye." And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unclaimed. When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, August 14th, 2003
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I'm seeing stars
up in the air
my head in the clouds
imagining you there
I know the place
I would like for us to be
floating along
in peace and serenity
In the sea of tranquility
Not even you
could ruin my perfect day
but it wasn't perfect
without you anyway
I'm seeing stars
up in the sky
making a wish
as you drift by
In the sea of tranquility
Seeing stars
whenever you're around
high hopes
keep my feet off of the ground
but the sky is falling
and I don't know what to think
sailing on the ocean
in a ship that's gonna sink
In the sea of tranquility
This song always makes me feel relaxed and peaceful--even if it does have a defeatist tone.If you've ever heard it....it's very smoothe and deep--it makes you want to drive your car at night.It reminds me of one of my best friends....Vivien--we used to sing it in the car on the way to any place....and then "I touch Roses" too.We loved to sing together:)
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Saturday, August 9th, 2003
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It's a quiet Saturday night--which is good medicine I think.I have plenty on my mind.It's a strange age--26.What do I want to do with my life? Career? Love? Where am I headed from here?
The past two years I have been working in a job that is completely unchallenging and uninspiring for the sake of making my bills.And it's hard to do anything but this where I live--there just aren't many jobs that pay well enough to support a person on their own.When I was in college I would have never found myself settling for this on the basis of integrity.To me--a job should be about something that you are inspired by, something you are proud of.I find myself now buying into the idea that it's too hard to intermingle passion, creativity and work...and still have a decent paycheck(at least in this town).
So I will be starting work with my dad soon as a Real Estate Appraiser.This job is certainly not deplorable but it isn't soul--nourishing either.I have conversations with myself about how I will eventually be making really good money--enough that will afford me much freedom in my personal life(trips to Costa Rica, India,Thailand...wherever I want).Yet it feels like my life is passing me by and I don't feel like I'm ME.This is more than likely just frazzledom from the job that I'm in now...but it's an unsettling feeling nonetheless.And I have to remind myself how lucky I am to have an opportunity that many people don't have.
All I can come up with is to use my free time for creative endeavors--stuff that will keep me fulfilled and happy.Cause I don't want to be a grownup.I don't want to sell out.I don't want to do what is expected of me.I want to always surprise myself.And I suppose a lot of artists make a living waiting tables or doing something they don't completely enjoy in order to keep food on their tables--while doing whatever it is that really drives them when they aren't working.
So tonight I had a little laugh when I received two phone calls from a guy who was supposed to call me a week ago and never did.It's amusing to me how they all come out of the woodwork when it's a stormy Saturday night and they don't have anything to do.Too bad,soo sad.And so not my problem.In the past I would have gone for it anyway solely because I'm super-attracted to him and I'm at home doing nothing too.Not now though--I consider this a gift to myself...not pursuing the unavailable, the players of the world.Let them get used to hearing my ringer and nothing more:).
Another rule I've come up with for my life is not to sleep with anyone unless I'm in a committed relationship.I learned my lesson the hard way with P. and I regret not having used more discretion.It can never hurt anything to get to know someone first--it can only deepen things.If I slept with everyone that I was temporarily attracted to....I would be in triple digit land and probably be an emotional wreck--my energy spread thin with strangers...and never replenished by understanding and true intimacy.
Right now I wish I had a bathtub to soak in.Showers just aren't as therapeutic somehow.I miss my old clawfoot tub--and how Dave and I used to squeeze ourselves in there when we had no right fitting two extra tall and long-limbed bodies in one average sized tub.But it was so fun.The breeze would come through the loft window--and bubbles would float to the floor as we made the water overflow when we got in:)hehehe Good times.I miss someone washing me and grooming me and likewise.A girl should never have to bathe alone:)
Tomorrow I'll have to go on a nice long walk on the beach.It's a crime to live so close to it and not take advantage.Our feet suffocate in our thick tennis shoes--we gotta go barefoot in the sand any time we can, and let the cold water wake us up.I understand what my dad means when he says he needs the adventure of his fishing trips.He will get caught up in his job, all wound up--and he almost hopes to get caught in a storm on the way in from a long day of fishing.He likes to be reminded of his mortality and get the blood flowing again.Makes you wonder if only the truly deficient are skydivers and mountainclimbers and thrill-seekers.Or maybe it's a sign of deeper intelligence and seeking-spirits....cause they are not willing to settle for the status-quo.Who can tell--whatever makes us grow and keeps us feeling happy and alive.
Well--I suppose it's time to get to bed.I've cleared away a little of the clutter:)
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Thursday, July 31st, 2003
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HELLO
Let us see: a recap of wonderful events of my NIGHT tonight....
1.heard that an ex is back with his psycho lover who harrassed me and slept with his brother because she loved him SOOO much
2.then saw the ex about 30 minutes later and I left as quickly as I could pay my tab and get away from his nasty energy
3.my sister being the usual 19 year old bitch that she is and taking my credit card to pay her tab after I told her no(while I was in the bathroom) and then preceding to have her male friend who she uses on a regular basis drive me home because she wanted to fuck around with people at the bar
4.me sitting here getting all boiling pissed over a whole lot of nothing that I won't care about in the morning
5.sending a goodbye e--mail to a person I care for deeply because he sensed me backing off and e--mailed me that we should get our CD's back from eachother(why can't I love the good ones????)
6.feeling like crap about him cause I really do care about his feelings
7.asshole who I kissed on Sunday who called the next day to hang out who hasn't called all week although he said he would call the next day
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm listening to my new CD by The Used and earlier tonight I was in such a blissful mood because of it.I felt empowered until all of this fucking bullshit happened.I can't type fast enough--I should be running a marathon instead of playing on this fucking futile disconnected assmunch pussy whipped computer.Fuck this VOID bullshit!!!!!!!! Fuck computers! Fuck everyone right now!!!! I should take a bow........
I'm soooo mad right now!!!! I can't believe how mad I am....I hate Phillip....I hate the new one.....I hate expectations.....Fuck hope.....Fuck giving a shit about any bastard with a dick or a cunt for that matter because EVERYONE sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"With my foot on your neck I finally have you right where I want you" BITCH
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, July 26th, 2003
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Bored as fuck tonight!!!!! I went out drinking last night--so I don't have the money or the energy to do the same tonight--but I'm ancy as hell nonetheless.Man I need sum luvin:)
Alcohol is the devil--did I ever say that before??? Let me reiterate--the devil!!!!! I scream at police officers...wrestle in my bedroom and knock shit off the walls...bruise my heels and crank my neck 180 degrees the wrong way.What else???Say dumb things to exes I don't mean, smile and pay attention to all the wrong people.Wait a minute....I suppose I should be taking SOME responsibility for this behavior:) I suppose.This is the kind of stuff I should have been doing when I was a teenager--instead of singing my straight-edge praises into the blazing sober moon.Lordy--slow as she goes...hence the username Langsam(translated:slowly) in German:)hehehehe I feel like the tortoise...yet the tortoise wins??? When do I get to speed ahead of this sillyness?? I implore to the universe--when will I grow up???
Having said that....I just glanced at the TV which I have muted and who do I see...the Jackass crew--all of who are probably in their late twenties or early thirties.I guess I'm not that bad off.At least I'm not shitting on windows or stapling things to my ass.I have that to look forward to.
I want the new Jane's Addiction album...and The Used.I'm such a sucker for rocker emo bullshit.Nothing like a man howling out into the night about lost love and life and drugs and stupidity and epiphanies!!!! I need to take more night walks on the beach under moons--any moons....even full ones when I'm out of my gourd.I'm a little outta touch with nature.Elise and I went to the beach today.It was blissful knowing that we don't have to work tomorrow and we could just relax and sweat and swim and breathe.We cooked under the sun and took a kitty nap and ducked under waves.The water was as cold as a spring and at first it was painful to go in...but when we got out and baked in the sun...I felt purified.Nothing like a salt bath to wake up the senses.
That's alls I got to say for now.Too bad there's no food around here.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Bought the new Live album.I'm not too fond of the music...I think it lacks the creativity and flow of previous albums...but lyrically--they always hit the spot.This song has been playing on the radio often lately--and if you don't listen to the words it sounds kind of like everything else being played right now...but the lyrics are mighty nice(always have that note of inspiration in them):
You don't need no friends
get back your faith again
you have the power to believe
another dissent,take back your evidence
it has no power to deceive
I'll believe it when I see it for myself
I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter and I believe
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and Truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive
sit with them all night
everything they say is right
but in the morning they were wrong
I'll be right by your side
come hell or water high
down any road you night choose to roam
darlin' I believe
that sometimes it's hard to breathe
at the bottm of the sea
I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter and I believe
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and Truth
I can see the sunset and I believe:)
I love the romance in this song.I think it's easy to lose the romantic spiritual side to life under the burden of everyday troubles.But it's like air...we need it in order to sustain us...to keep our hearts soft and to keep us from separating ourselves from others too much.It's understandable to feel alone at times when it seems that no one else is going through exactly the same thing that you are(the ingredients are always different)--but I think that songs like this remind us that we are not that far apart in our desires for our lives.I think that we all want to feel connected to something larger than ourselves.And we are not alone--we are together in this...it is the essense of who we are(even if we do get sidetracked at times).
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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langsam's journal